Love-bomb? What is that? That’s what some of you are probably asking, and I’m here to tell you. 

Love-bombing is a manipulation tactic in which a romantic partner showers you with affection, physical gifts, and sweet words. And you might now be thinking, but Jaz, isn’t this a good thing? And while at first it may be, overtime it will lead to emotional and maybe physical abuse. Being love-bombed isn’t the end of the world, though. All you have to do is track it before it unravels into something bigger. 

Nowadays, love-bombing can be found VERY commonly amongst young adults and it is so normalized in our generation. 

Let me tell you common examples of love-bombing in a text message setting. An average text conversation between a guy and a girl who are interested in each other will be very mutual, average response time, a normal amount of flirtation, and they would probably make it into a relationship. 

A love-bomb text conversation consists of the offender being off and on, fast replies one second, delivered the next. They will smother you in compliments, then criticize you in the same breath. They’ll be full of words more than actions and when they finally get bored, they will leave you and move on despite them telling you sweet things like “I only want you”.  

A couple reasons why love-bombing is so normalized among young adults is because we are bored. We are so bored with school, jobs, being at home and instead of going out to do something fun and progressive, we decide to find someone to talk to. We push romantic ideas we have on them until the boredom fades, and the “romance’ dies. You’d find yourself very attached to them and think about them almost all the time. That’s exactly what they want. They now know they have you wrapped around their finger and if they see you finally starting to move on, they will come back and the cycle will repeat itself. 

Another reason is because some people just want to feel powerful, powerful in the sense that since they talked to this person, or they talked to that person, they feel as if they have the right to continue using people for their benefit. They know you will prioritize them and do anything for them. But you will NEVER be this person’s priority. 

That person tells you every lovely phrase under the sun, but they will never CLAIM you. They will never tell their friends about you, they will never post you on social media, they’ll never mention you to their family. But what they will do is push you to introduce them to YOUR friends, family and to mention you on your social media platforms.  This is what they do to look single to everyone else so they don’t scare possible options away and to keep you to themselves so no one else tries to get you. 

Final reason, it’s deep rooted insecurity. People who love-bomb have most-likely been betrayed by past loves, and to cope, they started to give the same treatment to others. These people feel dull, isolated. and unlovable, so they find people and use them to experience something new, whether it be momentary. Love has failed them time and time again, and they never want to go through that again, they don’t wanna be hurt like that ever again, but you’re different. You won’t hurt them like their past lover did, right? 

Does that sound familiar? If it does, you’ve fallen to another tactic love-bombers use when you want to rope you in deeper. They will bring up a personal, dark story from their life and once you feel sympathy towards them, they’ll ask if you’ll ever do the same to them. Disagreeing is signing a deal you can’t escape from, as now they’ll use it against you whenever you mess up. Even when it’s a minor inconvenience. You forget to reply to their message? “Is there someone else?” You have to cancel plans due to something important coming up? “I feel like you don’t love me anymore.” 

And god forbid you have a circle outside of just them, because love-bombers are just as envious as they are possessive. They will put your loved ones against themselves and make you choose between them. They will guilt-trip you if you decide against them, telling you that you don’t love them enough in addition to frequently accusing you of infidelity. Even platonic close friends or family members, even then they’ll point fingers at you for committing unfaithfulness. They’ll push that image in your head so many times, you start feeling guilty over something that never occurred. 

Now that we’ve discussed how love-bombers behave, we should talk about how to avoid and prevent them. The steps to letting someone go, whether they benefit you or not, is never easy. Especially when it’s someone you’ve grown attached to, eventually your mind and body becomes accustomed to that person, even if they’re not the right one for you.

It’s ALWAYS best to do what’s good for YOUR mind and body and letting go of negative thoughts/actions includes letting go of negative people.

So how to find a love-bomber? 

First, you must take a step back to think, view how your life was before you met them, now look at your life currently. Are you happy? Was this where you wanted to be? Do you see yourself with this person for the rest of your life? 

If you’ve disagreed with any of these, congratulations, you are one step closer to finally cutting them off. Love-bombers will make you happy momentarily, but they will never be consistently there for you in the long run. 

Next step, reflect on how this person is benefiting you. Aside from an overwhelming amount of gifts and affection, what does this person give you that helps you grow as a person? Do they help you with mental slumps? Do they push you towards bigger opportunities, even if it doesn’t involve them? Do they give you the space you deserve and let you have moments of fresh air? 

Once again, agreement equals another stride towards freedom. Love-bombers love to keep you quiet and submissive, they are narcissistic and selfish and will make great opportunities in your life about themselves. Telling them about great opportunities such as a new workplace will make you reconsider as they will think you are choosing a job over them. They will kill your happiness and you’ll have no other choice but to choose them over anything else to spare their hurt feelings.

Final, and very important step, know your worth. Love-bombers feed off other people’s insecurities, they prey on people who have low self-esteem because they know they are most-likely to fall for their tricks. Which is why learning to love yourself is crucial in escaping someone like this. It’s a long journey but it’s something that’ll be very worth it in the end, even if it starts with something small like a self-care day or a night out with the people you love. 

Now that this has all been put together for you, it’s time for you to finally move on from that person and to find someone great for you.

Which leads us to our conclusion, how do you get rid of a love bomber?

Stop making excuses for yourself and your love-bomber, erase them, delete them, block them. Cut them out of your life completely, as cliche as it is, there are plenty of fish in the sea and finding that person might take time, but your mind and body will THANK you. It can be small steps like prioritizing yourself first, finally doing what said person has been holding you back from. Whatever it is, make sure it rids them permanently.

Do not ever run back to them, as tempting as it is, never run back. By going back to them, you are showing them that they still and will ALWAYS have access to you and that trying to find someone new wasn’t successful. This is the biggest ego-feed you can ever give them, as it shows how submissive you truly are to them. So when you leave, you leave without looking back and by closing every window of opportunity that person will enter to reach you.

Be dominant. That’s it. You have to learn to be your own boss, creating boundaries, not letting people walk on you, learning to stop pleasing people are just a couple of examples of being dominant. A relationship will always be mutual, your lover will respect your boundaries and not push them and vice versa. There should never be a moment in which your partner crosses personal boundaries more than once. Tell people ‘No’. Create boundaries and don’t let people cross them and then make an excuse for them. Don’t do something that sacrifices your happiness just because someone else told you not to. Do the things that make you happy and do them unapologetically. The right person for you will join you, not tear you down. And it’s okay to not forgive people. A lot of people push the “Forgive, Forget” mantra but it’s okay to not forgive people. It’s just not okay to not forget, don’t dwell on the negative parts of your life. Remember that you were happy before them, and you can always retrieve that happiness back, lingering on negative thoughts will just make you not want to progress and keep you in that dark mindset. Go back to everything that made you content, or find new things. Try out a new hobby, try some different foods, try out a new style, try out new people. 

Don’t tie yourself down to one person and one person only, part of human nature is to grow and flourish, and holding yourself down to a person who doesn’t even let you do that is self-inflicted injury. Take time to heal and cope healthily, go to therapy and find a group of people who understand you for you. Even if it isn’t romantic, new people and a new environment helps people grow, people change around a fresh community. You just have to make sure it is for the better and it leaves a positive outlook on you. Life doesn’t end when your relationship does. Move forward, grow, love, flourish. Don’t ever lose respect for yourself.